So, hello I guess… I’m not doing this for likes, repost’s or attention. I am just another 20 odd year old girl who’s got depression (actual depression, not attention depression) and hoping that writing out would give me some sort of self-help. So here we are. I’ve never done this sort of thing sooo be patient if anyone is actually reading this…
“How do you even have depression?”
“What do you have to be depressed about?”
“But you always seem so happy!”
These are just some of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis and it’s actually doing my head in!! Never mind that depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain that I have no control over but in my personal opinion I think I know why I have depression.
Everyone Tom, Dick and Harry was bullied in school, I understand that. It effects everyone differently I know, I was bullied. I thought the world was against me everyday! I pushed myself away from people from a very young age. Probably why I have the grand total of 2 friends today. But I don’t think that’s the reason
My mother died when I was 18. I don’t talk about it so this is hard to even type out. No one ever died before that I was close to! Yeah, my Nan died when I was 3 but I have no memories of her as I was so young. But knowing everything that was happening this time and what I had to deal with before this was HORRIFIC. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Drink is all fun and games until you start using it to forget. That’s what my mum did. Living with someone addicted to drink is not nice. My mum was my best friend, we did everything together! Everyone goes through that ‘teenage never want to be seen out with my mum’ phase, I never did! She was my best friend!! But she couldn’t get over some stuff in her past, and that’s what killed her in the end. I will probably talk about this in more detail in the future, but yeah, it’s hard so bare with.
Another reason is that when I finally had a group of friends and was going to all the events and actually enjoying life, I mess it up by going out with a boy behind my boyfriend at the times back and lying to everyone, for then me and that boy to be in to be in the worst 2 year relationship I have even heard of. Yea, some parts were amazing and I loved him… but there was parts of it where I felt useless, and so low that I was actually thinking about suicide. I lost everything to be with this guy and was it worth it, I was in a mental battle with myself everyday. I lied to him because I was scared of losing him which made him not want to be with me and then we tried again over and over again!! I don’t know where we stand today, we are still in a relationship but is this what I/we want for the rest of our lives.
If I think of anything else, you’ll find out when I do…
I was a firm believer in “what ever happens, happens for a reason” I am just wondering when my good is gonna happen, because it hasn’t yet!
Anonymous on a downer…